Sunday, November 1, 2009

the powers that be

I don't want to be that person for anyone, the one who makes another think to herself, "oh please, I can do this better myself so why don't you just fucking stop?" On top of all that shit, which may not be where I belong anyway, I'm afraid of being a disappointment. Sometimes it's got nothing to do with me--I'm just witness to the winds of changing. Fuck the initial memories that won't escape me--the early hauntings that seem to doom things from the beginning. I've got to get over it. This is just an excuse anyway for rarely am I a passive recipient of anything.

If there's just one way that things are meant to work out well it's clear to me that I'm ignorant. The best I can do is love unconditionally but that never seems to work to my benefit, or anyone else's for that matter so what am I to do then?

A long while back I used to be convinced I had a super power that was found in the love I could give. But my senses are sharpening with awareness more recently and I'm beginning to see that this is much less obvious of a quality. In reality, I'm afraid, so it has appeared in some cases, that I deny myself the possibility of being loved back. Or is this consistent?-it's just that my feat is forgiveness, so I only love those incapable of loving me back.

I always thought super powers were easily defined like one who could travel through time so as to prevent those early hauntings from even happening, or the bit of clairvoyance that grants future clarity so that mistakes will be thwarted and hurt avoided, or the ability to speak in many tongues and ride confidently around the necks of gods like Kali and reassure all the ears in history that this is actually part of the creation story-- this pain, this breaking, this crumbling from tall heights, the weight that curdles in stomachs and ferments through the night, the floods that carve pathways to emotional wells that have never been tapped for fear that the pulsating river of something undefinable might actually be real. This is part of creation.

Rest content knowing that you're not the only maker; there's a thousand tiny hands sculpting out of each and every breath, a thousand little exhales molding this life into the next, and the power of knowing what's best is reserved for those left gasping for nothing but the present.

I've been gifted a special talent for unfolding. The creases when exposed leave outlines of my soul like a road map to reveal where I'm going- only I can't see it since reflections appear backwards and I won't trust that anyone has the key to read it. So I sit wide and open and let others explore me- never quite sure if they've ever really known me.

And with all my love to give it rarely travels in from any other sources at all. Now ain't that some shit since I know I'm not a bottomless pit that's capable of perpetually pouring. Naturally, something's got to come in I've just got to be bold enough to swallow it.

I'm no desert scene, black hole, or seething ravine. I've got small hills, round mounds, and golden ponds for sitting around. There's even flowers that feed life somewhere inside and winds that sing by moving the air in the open fields of my heart, the many turns in my mind that turn out to be building blocks to build mountains. This landscape is fertile and might someday reach a balance of feeding the hungry and absorbing some confidence that one doesn't admit a lack of w/holiness if she let's others in, one doesn't deserve an existence without any friends. And both of these are false in that they could happen again because they've only ever happened in the first place. It's never been any other way.

So maybe, my gift is for blindness.

I fail to see the obvious. Put a neon sign in front of my eyes and I sit and deny that there's light. Or if I be romantic I'll say the glow comes from the sun and this is heaven's way of saying, 'it's alright to go on.' But then I'll tell you I'm a materialist and things like heaven and angels don't really exist until you can prove it (and people believe I'm an optimist!). The sign could read "open" and I'd forget what that meant. Is it a command to be something? In that case, I say 'fuck authority' I'll do whatever I feel like. But more likely it's an adjective that simply reminds me that I frequently have channeled some truths fundamental--all I need to do now is remember how I once used to know how to glow on my own.

I've always been too good at forgetting.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to admit that I wish this not to be my gift it's just that now, in this moment, there are too many things that I'd love to forget.


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