This is a day to remember.
It reveals the complexities of feeling feelings, hurting, crying, questioning,
of being surrounded by friends, by strangers, by neighbors, by family, by community--
anonymous, distant, new, professional, close by heart, close in proximity, close in development
and of being alone.
Being with myself, my thoughts, my words, my calm, my stillness, my upheaval, my relaxing when I don't even feel tense
of feeling deceived, of feeling betrayed, of feeling concerned, terrified, worried
of feeling played.
of hurting from being so o__p__e__n
remembering talking to walls, to machines, to sociopaths, to deaf ears that 'hear'
and recognizing the profound trouble in this.
struggles with the unfathomable
unthinkable
unexplainable
indescribable
and unbelievable--all of that in pain, in plot development, in human emotion
while still. breathing evenly,
feeling fine most of the time, talking about love, learning, seeing scars of wounds of growth
affirming 'yes' to life even in the most unthinkable of times
embracing demons who pose temptations of eternal recurrence
while still sharing the ineffable peace and beauty with soul mates I've only just met today
or last week
but whom I will love forever.
And flexing my muscles to condition myself
To pump my wings
To feel my blood
To remember the strength of a heart that practices to sing
To be able to say 'i love you' to a stranger and mean it.
In spite of the shock
In spite of the cold mass that struck me, knocking the wind out from under me and sending me into a dive through hell
In spite of the hurt upon months of hurt, the hours of gray between nightmares
and waking wishful dreams
In spite of the suffocation in sleep, the constraint and manipulation of lies, the omission of truth, the exploitation of angels, the abuse of gifts, the rejection of all that is alive, the renunciation of opportunities to thrive
In spite of the mirrors that contain nothing but themselves, fractured and fallen into each other, remaining em____pty, sealing out the air, the light, the music
not even the spirits of truth can make an impression on glass. Mountains, sundogs, grasses, rain, tornadoes, oceans, forests remain all around a self-contained universe of Nothing.
In spite of all of this,
no regret.
Pain, not suffering. Sacrifice, not demise. Hope, but not delusion. Wishes, but not predictions.
Breath: from screams to sighs to inhales.
Breathing to blow out candles, to ignite the base of fires, to cool the sting of scrapes on knees, to tease bodies, to remember the embraces of songbirds, to simulate the birthing of gods, to feed the leaves, to take in the world, to sustain moments of PEACE into eternity...
. . .to repeat. . .
to open up. to embrace the words of demons,
Understand,
And
Say
'YES.'
-1/23/09
It reveals the complexities of feeling feelings, hurting, crying, questioning,
of being surrounded by friends, by strangers, by neighbors, by family, by community--
anonymous, distant, new, professional, close by heart, close in proximity, close in development
and of being alone.
Being with myself, my thoughts, my words, my calm, my stillness, my upheaval, my relaxing when I don't even feel tense
of feeling deceived, of feeling betrayed, of feeling concerned, terrified, worried
of feeling played.
of hurting from being so o__p__e__n
remembering talking to walls, to machines, to sociopaths, to deaf ears that 'hear'
and recognizing the profound trouble in this.
struggles with the unfathomable
unthinkable
unexplainable
indescribable
and unbelievable--all of that in pain, in plot development, in human emotion
while still. breathing evenly,
feeling fine most of the time, talking about love, learning, seeing scars of wounds of growth
affirming 'yes' to life even in the most unthinkable of times
embracing demons who pose temptations of eternal recurrence
while still sharing the ineffable peace and beauty with soul mates I've only just met today
or last week
but whom I will love forever.
And flexing my muscles to condition myself
To pump my wings
To feel my blood
To remember the strength of a heart that practices to sing
To be able to say 'i love you' to a stranger and mean it.
In spite of the shock
In spite of the cold mass that struck me, knocking the wind out from under me and sending me into a dive through hell
In spite of the hurt upon months of hurt, the hours of gray between nightmares
and waking wishful dreams
In spite of the suffocation in sleep, the constraint and manipulation of lies, the omission of truth, the exploitation of angels, the abuse of gifts, the rejection of all that is alive, the renunciation of opportunities to thrive
In spite of the mirrors that contain nothing but themselves, fractured and fallen into each other, remaining em____pty, sealing out the air, the light, the music
not even the spirits of truth can make an impression on glass. Mountains, sundogs, grasses, rain, tornadoes, oceans, forests remain all around a self-contained universe of Nothing.
In spite of all of this,
no regret.
Pain, not suffering. Sacrifice, not demise. Hope, but not delusion. Wishes, but not predictions.
Breath: from screams to sighs to inhales.
Breathing to blow out candles, to ignite the base of fires, to cool the sting of scrapes on knees, to tease bodies, to remember the embraces of songbirds, to simulate the birthing of gods, to feed the leaves, to take in the world, to sustain moments of PEACE into eternity...
. . .to repeat. . .
to open up. to embrace the words of demons,
Understand,
And
Say
'YES.'
-1/23/09
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